Tuesday, January 30, 2007

Best Fucking Pancakes Ever!

I know you like pancakes. Don't lie. Just the other day your mom called me up and told me she saw you making out with an IHOP menu. I understand her concern. Here is the end all best recipe to satisfy those unholy urges you have towards this flat morning delicacy.


• 1 3/4 cups of unbleached all purpose mother-fuckin' flour;
• 3 1/2 TEAspoons of the baking powder (no, not baking soda, you will fuck it up if you use soda);
• 2 TABLEspoons of that sweet ass sugar;
• 1/2 TEAspoon of that sodium product known as salt;
• 1 lonely egg (a gregarious egg simply will NOT DO);
• 1 3/4 cups of the cow milk;
• 1 TEAspoon of pure vanilla extract;
• 3 TABLEspoons of melted butter (a microwave oven is nice for this step).

Directions brought to you by Ollie imitating S.L. Jackson

Step motherfuckin' one: Mix the flour, the baking powder, the sugar, and the salt together in a big ass bowl.

Step motherfuckin' two: Crack that lonely motherfuckin' egg and drop him in that big ass bowl along with your milk, vanilla and butter. Stir that shit up real nice with your favorite whisk, BUT DO NOT KILL THE LUMPS, THE LUMPS ARE KEY FOR YOUR PANCAKE PLEASURE. Ya hear that? So don't over beat that shit.

Step motherfuckin' three: Heat up yr skillet or pan real nice and medium hot and get some butter cooking in there. Once that butter starts to boil, you best get your goopy ass batter into the pan, because if that butter browns... you fucked it all up.

Step motherfuckin' four: Once bubbles start trying to peek their gassy faces through that batter, flip that shit, and brown the other side. Use your judgement when to flip, if your pancakes are smoking, your pan is too hot, and you went and fucked up your pancakes by burning them.

Step five: Put those cakes on your plate and top with the syrup of your choice and MORE BUTTER! You can make your own syrup if you like, but that's a whole 'nother recipe. Now go and get your freaky pancake love on!

RESULTS: Brooke loves her some butter...

Bowling for Jascha

Old Man Jascha decided to have a bowling tournament for his birthday. The top two bowlers would fight it out in a Bowling-Battle-Royale against Jascha in a quest for glory and the covetted right of bragging. That poor old geezer Jascha threw out his hip durring the carnage, but all was okay; after a bit of smelling salts and his hip tonic took effect, O.M.J. was back to rolling that rock in no time. I was never that great at bowling. In fact, I have always pretty much sucked at it, so to make things a little more interesting I bet Fresca a dollar that J-Bone would win it all. I guess Fresca really wanted that dollar...

Here are the results:
Winner: Kid Fresca
First Runner Up: J-Bone
Second Runner Up: Old Man Jascha
Loser: Me

Don't worry JB, I still got my money on you for the next tourney...

And here's the documentation:

Old Man Jascha: "Ouch! My hip!"
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Gladiator J-Bone:
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Champion Fresca:
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Por la Duke Spirit, con amore, Fresca:
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"So that's how it's done..." quothe O.M.J.
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"Our matching uniforms are not helping us rock massive ass," screamed Whedons^2.
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"I need to focus or else my honor will be compromised," vs. "Fug it, I'm in the finals no matter what..."
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"Hmm... those totals just aren't tallying up... where's my phone calculator..."
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"Hey, thanks to everyone for having me out here in Korea Town for this great sporting event. Is it okay if I plug my band real quick?"
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(this picture has been a paid advertisement from www.theoohlas.com)

"Aw shucks..."
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The Goose says, "I can't belive I was melting everyone's faces with my awesome bowling skills and still didn't get to partake in the final bloodbath of glory... dang!"
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The first picture is photochopped, but just for some compositing and contrasting, for the purists, here's the originals it came from:


Hooray for bowling!

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

First and foremost...

You heard it here first: people will one day evolve to have a gland in their ass that dispenses toilet paper. Yep.